gah. (more break-up revelations.)

i’ve got this insanely long, ever expanding list in my head - the things that i didn’t know about the last time i was single.  this includes: most of my favourite bands, most of my favourite TV shows, books, magazines, movies.

the years between 20 and 25 are pretty formative ones, for those things.

so i’ve been, every so often, staring into space and telling myself things like ‘the is the first time i’ve listened to the libertines, and been single’.  or ‘this is the first time i’ve had a latte, while single.’

i didn’t drink COFFEE until alex started me on it.

her influence is literally inescapable in my life.  part of me wants to wrap that remaining connection around myself in protection, and part of me wants to scrap everything and build another life that i feel in complete possession of.

the hard thing (that’s a lie, everything is hard right now [that’s what she said]) is not knowing how much i depended on unspoken things.  on a relationship as a source of validation.  as a yardstick of self-worth.  i know it’s stupid to do those things, but i’m sure i did them unconsciously.

i’ve been amazed, but not surprised, at how much i can rely on my friends, new and old.  there are wonderful people out there, and for some reason (i suspect it’s because i’m awesome) they care for me.  i’ve got that, an espresso machine, and the sun keeps rising.  i will most likely be okay, at some indeterminate point in the future.