getting it out on paper.

last night, my girlfriend of almost five years broke up with me. i’m not angry. i don’t really understand. but it was on good terms, or at least as good terms as possible in a non-mutual break up.

i feel like someone died.

and i don’t mean that in a metaphorical way. i mean, i know how i feel when someone dies. i very clearly remember the feelings i had when i lost each of four grandparents and an aunt. i know the empty feeling, the complete lack of interest in anything other than my self-pity, and the constant urge to completely relinquish control, or completely shut down, emotionally. i actually feel guilty, that i’m reacting the exact same way i do, when someone dies.

i’m not sure how to be my current self, outside the context of this relationship. for reference, when we started dating i was an ardent rollerblader, dressed exclusively in hoodies and baggy pants, was about 30 lbs heavier, had a large afro, and was convinced i was going to be a novelist. it’s entirely possible that level of change was part of why things ended up as they did, but it also ensures that i’m unfamiliar with being my current self, and being single. being in this relationship has been a constant while everything else changed.

but it’s not so much the disconnect with my past. it’s the disconnect with my future. the one i’d planned out in my head, the life i’d been willing to craft and fight for and sacrifice to have. it’s gone, and i need to figure out which elements i can salvage, and which elements i have to let go. i don’t think it’s unreasonable to build a life with someone in your mind, especially given how long we were together.

last night, after it happened, i drove home, drank whiskey, and talked to friends. it helped, but didn’t help, because i’m at the point where nothing will help.